Hello, 2012 me.
You'll be glad to know that future-you is still a patronising bellend, albeit a very well intentioned one. You're about to fall head first into the world of BDSM, and with that in mind, here's some advise.
Stop mucking about on dating websites and get your ass on Fetlife. You'll meet people who aren't just trying to get in your knickers. You're welcome.
The guy who says he doesn't want a romantic relationship won't change his mind if you just hang around long enough. Get out.
The guy who wants you to be faithful to him but won't give you his mobile number is definitely married.
Say yes to things that excite you. There's nothing wrong with being a slut. Stop feeling ashamed that you want to fuck people. Fuck all the people. Own your sexuality. Stop being ashamed.
Your body is never going to look better than it does right now. Take more naked pictures. Post them everywhere.
Are you still doing all that bloody paperwork? Cut that shit out, Vickie. Get out the house.
You are bad at drinking. Stop trying to be good at drinking. There will be regrets.
You deserve a relationship. You deserve companionship. You deserve to be loved. Stop settling for what you think you deserve.
It is much more graceful to just ask for what you want and risk being told no rather than waiting til you have a hysterical, snotty breakdown.
Message people you want to be friends with. Message people just to tell them they made you smile.
Go to that munch. Don't be nervous. It's not actually an orgy planning meeting. You won't make a social faux pas and accidentally agree to be anyone's live in slave.