Thursday, November 17, 2005

- Learn to raise one eyebrow.
- Play "Preacher Bingo." (Thanks to Lissie for this one...)Draw your squares and write in them things the preacher will probably say - eg "Let us all be joyful!" "My wife will kill me if she hears this..." or "This one time, at church camp..." for example. If the preacher says one of your lines, mark it on your board. When you get a full line marked, instead of shouting bingo, jump to your feet and shout "Alleluia!"
- Distract the drummer by clapping on the off beat.
- Bring inflatable hippos, ducks, frogs etc. Ask people to pray over them.
- When you go up for communion, bring a large tankard with you.
- If you agree with anything the pracher says, shout out "PREACH IT!"
- Wear a minister's dog coller. Half way through the sermon run to the front, shouting "Sorry I'm late... traffic, you know what it's like...So if we turn to 2 Samuel..."
- If you're doing a reading, read out of Lord of the Rings instead. See if people notice.
- if you're preaching, recite Mary had a Little Lamb. See if people notice. Throw sweets to those who do.
- Go to Ethel Austins and bulk buy them HUGE knickers. Throw them at the worship leader.
- Fiddle with the electric organ's settings. Put the sound setting onto "banjo."
- Bring twister.
- Bring a spud gun. Fire it at late comers.
- Wear a pope hat.
- During open prayer, consider it your God given right to quote the whole of Deuteronomy. It needs to be heard.
- Tell anyone who will listen that Easter has been cancelled - they found the body...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Ways to get rid of unwanted advances-

-Say "Oh no! My wife will be wondering where I am! See you!"
-Show them the hair on your toes. Ask to see theirs.
-Say "You're so beautiful! You remind me of my ex girlfriend. She was called Jenny. Can I call you Jenny?"
-Serenade them. Badly. Make up the song as you go along - use rhymmes like "lovey" and "wuvvy"
-Start doing the chicken dance.
-This works best if you're NOT a gangster. Use phrases like "Yo, word up!" and "Hows it hanging in da hood, home girl?"
-Scratch your armpits.
-Talk about nothing but Pokemon. Eg "How was your day?" "Well, I trained up my Zapdos to level 81. And I got myself some good ice creatues, they got some real good moves. And while I was out training on route 18, I caught myself a Raticate. He'll be real useful when I fight Agatha at the Indigo Plateau...."
-Tell them they have the mark of the beast on their forehead. Start praying loudly.
-Tell them you'll be one moment, you just need to "do a number 2." When you get back, tell them about it in detail.
- Prowl around them, sniffing suspiciously. If you like what you see, pee on their leg.
-Say "You are the most terrific person I've ever met. I could see us dating long term, you know? Actually, I don't think we'd date for that long. I can see us getting married quite quickly, finiancial reasons, you know? And we might as well start trying for a kid straight away. I want 5, so suppose we should get going! Oh, it'll be the happiest day of my life when little Junior is born..."
-Say "You're into feet right?"
-Shout "NO! I am not that kind of girl! Are you with me sisters? No!"
-Say "You've gotta a little something right here..." Start picking their nose for them. Insist you've "nearly got it." Maybe if you lick your finger...
-Speak only in Westlife lyrics. "So I say a little prayer and hope my dreams will take me there where the skies are blue, to see you once again... my love. "
-Say "You seem like a good lass. You remind me of my mother. I live with her. I mean, if I didnt, who would do all my ironing? And who would make me my food? Anyway, enough about me. Are you any good at sewing?"
-Pretend you're James Bond. "The name's Bob. Bob, erm, Clark."
-Stroke their hair while muttering "My precious, my precious..."
-Pretend you're related to them. "Sally?? Cousin Sally? Its been so long since I've seen you! How's your mother? The silly old bean..."
- Tell them about life in the trailer park.
- Take out your penknife. Giggle nenacingly.
- Say "My name's Dave, but you can call me Daddy. I like that."
-Wriggle your shoulder blades at them. Say "I bet you thought these were angel wings, eh? EGH? Well they're not! So there!"
- Shout "YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T COME NEAR ME! THE RESTRAINING ORDER! HELP!"
-"Gotta get home, time for Star Trek!"
-Say "Woah! Nice costume! I didn't know it was fancy dress!"




Monday, November 14, 2005

Annoying stuff to do to exes -

Worryingly, I wrote this when I was 14. I was a bitter, twisted kid.

-Come out the closet. Say you were only attracted to him because he's so feminine. Make it sound like a good thing.
-Never stop loving them. Tell them this often. Enfore the message with cards and message emblazoned tshirts.
-Pretend you never broke up. When they remind you, say "Aw, you love your little jokes don't ya chuck?"
-Twitch whenever you hear their name.
-Give them an affectionate pet name, eg Snuggle Bunny or Baby Blue Eyes. Always refer to them by this name, especially infront of their mates.
-Catch their eye. Scream and run away.
-If you see them kissing their new girlfriend, squirt a hose at them as if they were dogs. It's for their own good.
-Kiss their feet. Often. In public.
-Make your conspiracy theories about how he's possesed by a demon called Beezlebub well known.
-Make casual comments about armpit hair and fleas.
-Staple yourself to him.
-Gurgle "seductively" infront of his friends.

-Walk past his house wearing a wedding dress. When questioned, refuse to talk about it.
-Lick their ear and run away.
-Don't wash. Say you're doing it to mourn your lost love.
-Write a song about your broken heart. Put his name and contact details in the chorus. Get to number one.
-Name pets after him. Say it helps you cope.
-Deny he ever existed. Suggest everyone else is the crazy one.
-Let him catch you kissing a cardboard cut out of him. Shout "Nay, the beast lives on!" and run out the room making train noises. Deny it ever happened.
-Make a documentary on him. His permission is not required.
-Stalk him. Say it's amazing how you keep on bumping into each other. Make philosophical comments about fate.
-Tattoo his name on a prominant body part, like your forehead.
-Shout his name occasionally. Pretend not to notice.
-Talk to your pastor about your concerns about him being the antichrist.
-Make a cult surrounding him. Consider small sacrifices.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

So, first post.

This is just a place for me to put all the junk I write basically.

To keep the tone light, here's a list of the embarrasing things I've done in the last few months.


- So, I love coffee. Makes me loose control of my bladder though, so I went cold turkey from it. One day I was wondering around Debenhams in Carlisle, the cravings get too much for my weak, spongy flesh and I faint near the make up department. Wake up to find them orange clinique ladies standing over me looking terrified. Couldn't leave the place quick enough, believe me.

- I'd been on a residential in Kepplewray. Couldn't get dropped off in Penrith, so had to wait in Kendal for a lift. Anyway, I'm sleepy. I end up falling asleep on a bench, like a tramp. Woke up when a small child poked me with a stick.

- So, I love Dr Martens. I was in the Metro Centre, and I'd bought this real swish pair with tyre prints on. Put them on straight away. I go into the changing rooms at New Look with a skirt to try on. Because boots take a while to take on and off, I didn't bother with it - I take off the skirt I'm wearing, try on the new skirt. Pose a bit, then take off the new skirt. Forget to put on the old skirt, and prance out the changing room wearing knickers and knee high boots. Took me a minute to realize my mistake.

- I bought the skirt in the end. Wore it non stop for a week. Unfortunetly, being more flimsy than my other skirts, it takes great delight in tucking itself into my underwear. Once I managed to walk all round Penrith, chat to a few friends, and visit church without realizing how much leg I was showing. Another time, after I'd just told the whole hilarious tale to some friends, I stood up off my chair to find it had happened again. Ah, the irony.

- My boss has a little dog, called Maisie. She's a cross between a shitzu and a king charles spaniel, so she's overly cute and wriggly. I was walking her down the stairs one day, and I stand on her tail. This happens alot, so I didnt think anything of it. Anyway, later that day, my boss notices all this long hair on the stairs. We spend ages trying to figure out what it is, but gave in. The next day, the boss catches me standing on the dog again. Clogs turn in his head. Apparently the night before Maisie had had red gunk all over her tail - the boss figured she'd been rolling in some red sweeties. Seems I'd drawn blood. Oops. Maisie forgave me though.

- I was doing one of my first ever assemblies. Very nervous. It was on respect, and was with a load of 13 year olds. The idea was, that we'd do a skit - my colleague Emily would pretend to bully me, then my other colleague Jon would jump in and do a talk on respect. So we're half way through the skit, and Emily says "Just look at your hair! You look like you've been through a hedge backwards!" And this enthusastic kid shouts out "YEAH! YEAH!" So everyone laughs, and we carry on. Emily says "Look at you! You're a mess! You're so ugly... I bet you've never even been kissed. Who would want to go out with YOU?" and another kid shouts out "I would Miss!" Even the teachers pointed and laughed.

- This one time, I was home alone at night. I hear the door open downstairs. So i shout "Mummy! Are you home? Mummy?" and wander to go check. Soon realize that my parents car hasn't pulled up in the drive . I'm frightened, sure there's an intrudor in the house, so I hide in the bathroom sobbing. Am sure I'm about to be mugged, raped, and left for dead. An hour later, my parents do come home. Turns out it was just the dog, and I needn't have made a "weapon" out of shampoo bottles.

- I was with all my work colleagues. I'm trying to get my other boss, Jon, to listen to me. So eventually, i quit following him around, and just shout out his name. Unfortunetly, I got it wrong - I shouted "GOD!". He still has identity issues to this day.

- Last week, the youth cafe where I work got redecorated. Its all retro/sparkly with lava lamps and bean bags. So, I decide to sit on one of the aforementioned bean bags. It splits, with a huge huge noise. Felt like the ultimate lard arse. Tomorrow, I need to return the bean bag to Argos and explain why its faulty. Its gonna be FUN!

- When we were painting the youth cafe, I started to feel dizzy. People joked that I was getting high. After a few more hours of painting, I start seeing things in the corner of my eye. Decide that I'm hallucinating off the solvents. Make a scene, and sit out for ages. Eventually, my boss tells me that the paint is water based, and its all in my head. Felt very attention seeking. Trying to change the subject, I decided to ask when our LCD TV screens were going to arrive. Unfortunetly I said "LSD screens" by mistake. Everyone now thinks I have a big drug facination.