Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Ways to annoy people in libraries

Thanks to Joe F and Matt H for their help.

- Cause a fuss when you realize that there's no books dedicated to Polynesian basket weaving. Say it offends your way of life.

- Ask if they stock any books on "Sacrifice, Ritual."

- Bring your pet hamster. Read books on surgery while poking its stomach with your pen.

- If you sneeze, say "Oooo, bless me!" very loudly. Laugh at your wittiness.

- Carry as many books as physically possible. Trip up, sending said books sprawling infront of the most nervous looking, quiet, introverted person there. Apologize for the behavior of your imaginary friend - he thinks its SO funny when you fall over.

- Shout in an excited voice "I found Jesus! He was in the World History section all along!"

- If someone coughs or sneezes, scream "CAN YOU PLEASE BE QUIET?!??! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO READ HERE!!!!!!" followed by a minute or so of muttering obscenities under your breath.

- Fart as loudly and as audibly as possible. For extra effect, raise one butt cheek off the chair to let it waft around more. Say to your neighbour "Uh... it was you!"

- Sit in the childrens section, find the simplest book and read it very loudly, struggling with each word. Refuse to let anyone help you. (e.g "THE...CAAAA...THE CAT!! THE CAT SAT ON ..... THE CAT SAT ON THE.... MAA ... MAT!!")

- Sit next to a stranger. Start chewing your book. Catch their eye, grin and go "Mmmmmm... yummy." Carry on nibbling. Smile sweetly.

- Take a picnic basket in with you. Skip merrily to your table, throw your table cloth over it and set out your feast. Make it rather posh - I suggest caviar and sandwiches cut into neat little triangles. Don't forget your napkin. Tuck in and enjoy!

- Choose a victim. Follow their every move. Pick up the books they pick up, sniff them and savour their scent. Gaze adoringly at them, but giggle and run away if they try to talk to you.

- As you check out your book, make sure you let the librarian know that the book is a sin, and you're only borrowing it to spit on every page.

- Ask for the home address of an author. Explain that its nothing urgent - you just want to burn a few crucifixes on their lawn.

- Practise your bagpipes.

- Bring your guide dog. This should be allowed. Make a big deal out of being blind - knock peoples ankles with your white stick, wear shades, etc. Then pull out a book and start reading normally. See if people dare say anything. If they do, say its discrimination. Threaten to sue.

- Bring in an acoustic guitar and announce that you've been working on a new song. Strum as randomly and loudly as you can before singing as out of tune as possible. I suggest the likes of "I've got a dog, I see him through the fog, and even in a bog, he is quite smelly, then I watch the telly, but the Vicar of Dibley's on, so I wrote a .... soonnnnnnnnggggggg!"

- Wink at elderly library goers. Give them your pulling card - write on it "Vickie - Literature Enthusiast/Local Pimp."

- Study Shakespearian love sonnets. Practise them on the librarian.

- Catch someones eye. Shout "What you looking at, eh? You looking at me? You startin' on me like? Coz I'm hard eh, I am. I could take you. So could me bruva, he has a moped and everything, he's gonna knock your lights out he is..."

- Search for fairies. If someone tells you they aren't real, start sobbing and saying "That makes one die... I hope it wasn't wee Faelynn... please dont let it be her, please no..."

- Read a book on martial arts. Practise the moves between the aisles.

- Read a biology book and giggle at all the "super rude" diagrams.

- Read over people's shoulders.

- Attempt to hold a party for your boisturous 4 year old and his attention deficit friends. Refuse to leave until he blows out the candles.

- Bring your iPod. Listen to anthemic rock on full blast. Feel inspired and do an air guitar solo.

- Run in, hide under a table and mutter "They'll never think of finding me here... Murderers NEVER hide in libraries... I did my research well I did..."

- Do your ironing.

- Pretend you're the LUFSTED Library Inspector doing a surprise visit. See how many librarians you can make cry.

- Run in wearing a black and white stripey robbers outfit. Check some books out and run away shouting "Mwah ha ha! They'll never notice I never paid... I sure fooled them!"

- Teach your hand puppet how to read. Shout at him if he struggles.

- Breakdance.

- Be inspired by the cookery section and do a spontaneous rap about how you "dig" poached eggs, dawg.

1 Response to "How to annoy people in libraries"

  1. Mikayla Says:

    lol!!!! totally trying these! xD

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