Friday, March 31, 2006



I am not doing so well with the whole not buying clothes thing.

I realize I've already ranted on about it in a previous post but its getting to me.

In a state of delirium, caused by lack of sleep, I wandered onto eBay and saw this ^^
I fell in love. It was 2am. My defences were low. I bidded. The next day I felt guilty. My friends mocked. Pokemon corsets aren't high on their agenda. And I already have one. I justified my moment of madness by saying that I'd already done a few weeks, and maybe going cold turkey was a bit too much.

I looked forward to my pretty new top. I planned outfits. I planned outings, to wear the outfits on. I imagined its arrival, all wrapped up in a jiffy bag like a little angel.

Then someone outbid me. I had a dilemma. Should I bid again? Was God giving me a second chance to stop being materialistic? Or because the corset was more coveted, did that just make it a more worthwhile prize? I didn't bid in the end. I couldn't justify it. And I emailed the seller and she said she might remake it. God, you better appreciate this. I gave up that corset for you.

Oh...
How many schools workers can you fit in a mini?
7, it appears. I will tell you more after Blaithwaite. Tis a secret.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I took the ghetto puppy for a walk today. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, this is she.

So we were walking along happily and she starts sniffing this pile of dirt. Being a dog, she does this alot so I didn't pay much attention until the pile of dirt leapt 2 foot in the air and the ghetto puppy squeeled. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a frog. Judging by the pink backside of the frog and the way the ghetto puppy was licking her lips, it seems she'd taken a bite. Oops.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

My birthday was the best. I got my laptop. And I ate lots of lovely scrumptious food.

I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to wear my hair curly. My mother was enthusiastic about this idea, and got very into putting rollers in my hair. After waiting for hours for it to dry, I ended up looking like a phycho granny. I promptly washed it again and straightened it. Phycho granny kisch wasn't the look I was going for.

Me and my buddies went out to Indiagate for a meal. They made me take a helium balloon with me declaring what a special day it was. I love balloons. They make me feel childlike and happy. After being given a free drink, I poured out the sad story of how I've never had a birthday cake since I was a kiddy. So my super awesome friends went out and got me a Birthday Swiss Roll. Here I am cutting it.

As you can see, Emily was very excited also. Darn, having a swiss roll craving now. Double darn.

I got to hang out with my boyfriend Matthew for a day. Here we are with coordinating smiles.

Aren't we the cutest? I think so.

The next morning (after having 3 hours sleep) I had to get up sickeningly early to organize the Mother's Day Drama at church. It went well. People laughed. Godfrey (or was it Humphrey?) got his microphone stuck in the door but it was very funny all the same. I now have dreams of writing a whole book of Godfrey and Humphrey dramas. It would sell millions, I'm sure. Maybe a chat show too? Hmmm...

Anyway, Sunday evening all my family came over. It wasn't planned, but they arrived all at once. I got more presents, mainly bling. I like my bling. I'm trying to figure out how I can wear it all at once for maximum pimping power, but its not having quite the desired effect.

Here's my wee (well, she's not so wee now actually) cousin Bethany eating a prawn cocktail. Isn't she pretty?

I think so, but I suppose I am rather biased. She's my flesh and blood, after all.

I've received some rather awesome and unusual presents. Helen T made me a super pretty bag which I've been carrying around everywhere. I've already spoken of my love of all my new bling. My bosses got me a pink fluffy steering wheel cover (so I can be a girl racer I suppose) and an industrial bubble blowing machine. Fran came over today with bags full of goodies to take to uni. Anna got me a "Cone Head Drinking Game" (Don't worry, I will try it out soon and take pics.)

Thank you everyone! And to all the birthday buddies I haven't mentioned, thank you to you too.

Friday, March 24, 2006

It's my 18th birthday tomorrow. In an hour infact. This is my last ever day of being a child.

I'm physically exhausted. I hope adulthood is less strenuous, but I have a sinking feeling it will be more so. With all the responsibility and all.

Today I went climbing with work friends. I'm trying to loose about a stone in 2 days in preparation for my birthday photos, which will no doubt be unflattering and mortifying, and haunt me for years to come. It'll be these photos that my future children will one day look at, and I don't want them to mock too much. My grandchildren better not mock them either. If they do, I won't feed them any cakes or sweeties. For a whole month.

So yes, I'm crash dieting for my grandchildrens' sake really. Its perfectly logical and reasonable. Shut up.

Tonight at youth club me and Helen tried to ballroom dance. We got a sort of box dance going on, but I think we need a bit more practise, and a few more twirls.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow really. I get worked up about birthdays, I feel under far too much pressure to have a good time. Which makes me not, just because I feel pressured. Its silly.

I'm trying to figure out what presents I'll get tomorrow. Here's my best guesses.

  • Laptop
  • Software for laptop
  • Laptop bag (I ordered it myself. If it hasnt arrived in time, I shall complain. Oh yes I will...)
  • Lush smellies. Hopefully in some sort of large giftbox.
  • The new Sims 2 game perhaps? My dad enjoys buying me games. Shame I don't really play them.
  • Jewellery in bulk off extended family.

I can't figure out what my friends will have got me though. Anna always buys fantabulous presents. I told most people not to worry about getting something on time because I'm always late with their birthday presents, so I cannot expect the same in return.

I want my laptop. Very much. It is calling to me.

Am trying to decide what to wear tomorrow. We're going for a fancy meal then going "out on the tiles" or whatever the trendy way to say it is. I think I shall wear a dress and a shirt. And wear my hair curly. I'll try and persuade my mum to curl it for me tomorrow. If not, I will spend my birthday afternoon scorching myself with electrical products. Yay!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Oh my. The assembly this morning almost went really, really wrong.

We were playing the donut challenge with the 15-16 year olds. Two people were at the front, trying to eat a donut without licking their lips. This was all going fine, until one young man started choking on his donut and started going red in the face. After he started going a fetching purple colour, it occurs to me that this could possibly be a problem. Surely this isn't normal?


Thankfully, the lad unchoked himself and we didn't need to perform any emergency first aid. The rest of the assembly went ok. Only two more to go.


I fed scones to old ladies for the rest of the day. They liked me and gave me a plant. I like them too. And my plant. My plant r001z.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

THL answered my question! I rule. I rule so bad.

Just check out
question thirteen. I am filled with a warm glowing sense of pride.

Only four days till laptop day!

I will finish eating leftover donuts now. Life is good.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I have an internet shopping addiction. I don't feel right unless I have lots of little Paypal confirmations in my inbox. I get highs from purchasing items I'll never need, or never fit into. I also get depressed and anxious when I have to go without my precious "hobby".

I gave up buying clothes for lent. I thought it would make me less materialistic and more heavenly minded. I suppose that might come later, but now I am suffering from withdrawl. Everywhere I go, I see clothes I want to buy. My inbox is full of items begging for my attention and bank details. eBay, noticing it's sudden lack in revenue, is spamming me with my Favourite Sellers Top Picks. They are usually very pretty. I want them. All of them. And maybe if I don't get them now, I will never be able to. I feel like I am missing out and not living a full life.

These are the things I want but sadly cannot own.


  • This skirt by bunny_massacre. It is adorable, is it not? If I owned it, I would be ever so girly and feminine and cute. And that would give me power. Immense power. And with it, would come riches, so I could buy yet more cute clothes. MWAH HA HA!!!

  • gimme gimme gimme
  • I discovered a new website - Asiajam. They make the funkiest clothes. Not much of it would fit me, but I can dream. I want this.

    Asiajam

    This list is too heartbreaking to write. I am going to start another. This is stuff that I have bought over the past week.
  • I bought two bows from bowsbowsbows. They are pretty, and brighten up my otherwise very boring hair.

  • bowsbowsbows
  • My myspace friend Steph makes the most magical charm bracelets. I won one on eBay. Its not this particular one, but look at it anyway. It involves LADY PACMAN. Also, a Pokeball.
    See, I told you there was a pokeball
  • Those of you who know me will know of my obsession with Lush. I will only let products spawned by them touch my face. I'm almost obsessive compulsive about it. Anyway, I found out that they have a sister company - bnevertoobusytobebeautiful. Just look. LOOK!

mine mine mine

The pots... the pretty, pretty pots. I spent £30 in a frantic rush of gemstone joy.

I feel like I've managed to get this materialism out of my system a little bit now. Thank you Blogspot.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I just did my first ever full length assembly. It went well and I am so relieved that its over. It involved donuts. Thankfully, no food allergies were triggered and no one choked. I risk assess in my head too much, and it makes me somewhat paranoid. But it went ok.

THANK YOU JESUS

I have just arrived in the office. I'm sure I have an awful lot to do, but because of my post assembly delirium I can't remember a thing. So, I'm blogging. Lucky you.

Next week my office experience will be very different. I will have my shiny, pretty laptop. I am very very excited.

Like Chuck Norris is a man among men, my laptop will be a Laptop amongst laptops. She is beautiful. Here's a picture of her. You're jealous, no?

The height of sophistication and style

Notice how sophisticated the lady user of my laptop looks. It is the laptop that made her that sophisticated. Soon, I will be video editting in my mint green kitchen with shiny hair. Just watch me.

I am not allowed my laptop until my birthday, which is almost a whole week away. This is cruel. I'm not even allowed to take her out of her box and look at her and admire her. So I am forced to have sick little daydreams about me living it up with the laptop. I plan to take her everywhere. I even had a bizarre dream last week about me and a laptop on an exotic beach somewhere, sipping cocktails and giving the thumbs up for the camera. I think I may have gone too far.

Work is noisy today. The window cleaners are here, so I've just had a particulary spotty young gent come oogle at me working. They are banging their ladders against the wall and generally being a nuisance. Also, there's someone building a cupboard of some sort down stairs, so there's hammering coming from the youth cafe.

And then there's Maisie. Sweet, dear Maisie. She has been left all alone today. All alone. She is in the flat next door, crying. I can hear her. I cannot concentrate. Here she is.

Maisie

No warm hearted person could leave her crying, could they? I can. I am used to it. Mwah ha ha.

(I will walk her later. I'm not that mean.)

(She's also very, very cute. And when you walk her, you have magical adventures. I shall tell you all about them later. Yay!)


Sunday, March 19, 2006

I do not like eating ready meals. I used to, very much indeed - their salty goodness would set me up for another day of gluttony and general immorality. As a child, I ate Micro Chips for breakfast for years. It is a miricle that I didn't become a morbidly obese, attention deficit sugar junkie. However, things changed. I ate too much of what my friends refer to as "proper food." This is probably a good thing, but causes problems at home, as my mother has some sort of Ready Meal Lust. This is probably part of the reason why she made me Micro Chips for breakfast for years. I bet she still would, if I asked.

To avoid this, I try to make my own meals. I am currently unable to do so, because my father is blocking the kitchen, bemoaning the fact that I haven't cleaned the fishtank out myself. I see no reason why I should - the fish are alive and getting fat, from their Ready Meal Fish Flakes.

I own two fish. One is called Boris and the other is called Brodie. I won Boris on May Day, just before winning fish on Hook-a-Duck stalls was outlawed by the animal police. The wee thing had a gammy fin, similar to Nemo's, except Boris's was more of an open wound. He was very tiny and I didn't expect him to live long. I concluded that this was probably a good thing - I'm not a very good pet owner. Fortunetly, or unfortunetly for poor Boris, he lived to swim round the tank another day. Initially delighted, I bought him a fishy friend, whom I named Brodie.

I lived to regret purchasing Brodie (or winning Boris, for that matter.). Brodie is a cold blooded bully. She chased Boris around the tank for months, until Boris was a fetching silver colour all over. I presume this was because of stress, similar to grey hair. However, in time, Boris and Brodie now act like an old married couple. Well, as close as a couple of fish can act like an old married couple anyway. They fish kiss and sort of hold fins as they swim roun dthe tank. And hide behind the tank statue, oh la la.

Anyway, I'm a bad fish owner. I don't clean the tank too often. Hence, why my daddy is cleaning it and moaning. And why I can't make myself food. Who's stupid idea was it to put the fishtank in the kitchen anyway? I have a sinking feeling it was mine.

I suppose no one reading this (not that anyone does) really cares about the private lives of my fish, but thats ok. Because this is my blog. Not yours. So ha!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Here's a drama I wrote for my young people to perform on Mother's Day.
Feel free to use it, just give copyright to me at the bottom. Also, don't sell it. That would be weird.

Cast
Godfrey and Humphrey - Grumpy old men
Derek and Bruce - Cheesy salesman
Tara - Beautiful assistant
Janet - Enthusiastic product tester

Video plays of Godfrey and Humphrey entering Woolworths. Woolworths sign is hidden and "Wallies!!" logo is in its place. When the video stops playing, Godfrey and Humphrey walk onto the stage.
Godfrey: I told you that Wallies was the place to go Humphrey!
Humphrey: Yes, I can buy my Fisherman's Friends and my Werther's Original while I'm here!
Godfrey: No, no Humphrey! We must concentrate! We're buying a Mother's Day present!
Humphrey: Of course, Mother's Day! But Godfrey, isn't that...
Godfrey: ... Today? Yes Humphrey, we did leave it rather last minute this year. You know what I always say though, rather last minute than...
Humphrey: ... Not at all! Haha! Good one, Godfrey.
Derek and Bruce walk in from either side of the stage. They have fixed smiles and walk in unison.
D & B: Welcome to Wallies!
Derek: How may we help you?
Bruce: We're doing buy one get one free on ear wax remover!
Humphrey: Have you got any Werther's?
Godfrey: No, no Humphrey! We're looking for a Mother's Day present!
Derek: Wallies have great ideas for Mother's Day!
Bruce: Whatever your want for Mother's day, you'll find it...
Derek: ... at Wallies!
Bruce: What makes a happy mother?
Derek: Wallies has the answer!
Humphrey: The problem is, we don't know what to get her.
Bruce: Well, does she have any hobbies?
Godfrey: She loves cleaning.
Humphrey: Yes, she does it all the time! She loves it!
Derek: May we suggest...
Bruce: The Moppenator 3000!
Derek: The best mop since sliced bread!
Godfrey: We don't want anything too fancy. It's just Mother's Day you know, not Christmas.
Bruce: You might change your mind after this short promotional video.
Cast leave stage. Video plays.
Shot of Bruce wearing his Wallies uniform walking towards the camera as he talks.
Bruce: Hey there. My name is Bruce Bright, Manager of Wallies Penrith. You may remember me from such movies as Finding Wally, and The Wallies of the Caribbean.
Bruce stops and leans on something handy. He stares thoughtfully into the distance, then looks back at the camera and says
Have you ever been unsatisfied with your mop? I know I have. That's why I'm so delighted to tell you about our latest, and best product - the Moppenator 3000.
Tara, looking very glamorous, enters holding a mop. She displays it for the camera.
Why, fancy seeing you here Tara!
Bruce gives Tara a slap on the back.
As you can see, the Moppenator 3000 has many exciting, innovative features, such as a Hyper Plastic handle and bristles made from genuine nylon. Its exciting, I know! But before you all rush out to buy one, have a look at what the public say.
Shot of Janet mopping away looking delighted. Bruce walks in and stands beside her.
Bruce: Meet Janet. Janet is a typical housewife and mother. You mop every day, don't you Janet?
Janet: Oh yes Bruce, I do!
Bruce: Janet's life has been transformed since using the Moppenator 3000, hasn't it Janet?
Janet: Oh yes Bruce, it has, it definitely has!
Bruce: Because of the Moppenator 3000's high tech, speedy design, Janet now has time for other hobbies, such as cross stiching and morris dancing, isnt that right Janet?
Janet: Yes, that's right Bruce! The Moppenator 3000 changed my life!
Bruce: And it can change your life too, for only £37.99 plus postage and VAT! Come in store for details!
Video stops and cast come back on stage.
Godfrey: That was a mop and a half that was! But not like the ones they used to make back in our day, was it Humphrey?
Humphrey: No, nothing like our day Godfrey.
Derek: Your mother will love it! How many would you like?
Godfrey: No, I think it's a little too fancy. We don't want to go over the top. She already has a mop you know.
Bruce: Wallies has many other gift ideas!
Derek: Big gifts, small gifts...
Bruce: Expensive gifts, overpriced gifts...
Derek: Wallies has it all! What does your mother enjoy doing?
Godfrey: Well, she cooks an awful lot.
Humphrey: She says we're growing boys, and need well fed.
Godfrey: Though in our day ofcourse, we had ration coupons...
Humphrey: Ah, those were the days!
Derek: Erm, so... Your mother will LOVE our latest product! Just follow me...
Cast leave stage. Video plays.
Derek is sitting in an armchair in his Wallies uniform, reading the paper. After a few seconds, he looks up and sees the camera, smiles and says
Derek: Hello there. i'm Derek Diamond, Sales Advisor at Wallies, Penrith. I'm here to tell you about a very exciting new product, which is exclusive to Wallies customers.
Derek folds up his newspaper and speaks to the camera again.
Derek: Here at Wallies, we believe that you, the suctomer, deserve both luxurious quality and innovative design. That was the thinking behind our newest and most exciting product - The Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2. Let's have a look, Tara.
Derek stands up and walks over to Tara, who is modelling the glove.
Derek: As you can see, the Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2 is no ordinary oven glove. It has a semi heat proof inner coating, which was developed by NASA. But that's not all! You will be the envy of all your friends with the highly fashionable outer fabric, which was designed by Gucci and was the talking point of Milan fashion week. But ofcourse, we cannot fully comprehend the beauty of the Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2 until we see it in action. Let's see what Janet has to say.
Camera switches to shot of Janet in a kitchen. She is wearing the glove and smiling and looking enthusiastic. Derek walks up to her.
Derek: What are you making there, Janet?
Janet: I'm making cookies, Derek!
Derek: Smells lovely Janet! Ah, time to take them out of the oven?
Janet: Yes!
Derek: I see you're wearing the Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2 Janet! What does it feel like?
Janet takes the cookies out of the oven and holds the tray smiling delightedly.
Janet: It barely burns at all! I'm going to buy them for all my friends!
Derek takes a cookie from the tray and takes a bite.
Derek: And the results speak for themselves! Yummy!
Derek walks away from Janet still holding his cookie.
Derek: You too can enjoy results like Janet by purchasing a Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2. Only £19.99, but thats not all! You also get a free minor burns kit with every 5 Super Extra Oven Glove v3.2s you buy! Call into Wallies now for details!
Video ends and cast walk back on stage.
Bruce: So good sirs, what do you think?
Godfrey: I think its a little too trendy for mother. She is 98, after all. What do you think, Humphrey?
Humphrey: I agree Godfrey! Far too trendy. And I was thinking, maybe we should get her something a little different this year? She didn't like the dishcloth we got her last year. And she didn't appreciate the power tools we got her for Christimas. Maybe we should get her something special?
Bruce: Something special, you say?
Godfrey: Yes, something special. Are you deaf?
Derek: We have just the thing!
Godfrey: Just the what?
Bruce: (sighing) Just follow me...
Cast leave stage. Video plays.
Derek and Bruce are standing outside wearing gaudy tracksuits. They are grinning manically and shout their lines.
Bruce: Hello! I'm Bruce Bright!
Derek: And I'm Derek Diamond!
Bruce: And we're here to tell you about THE MOST EXCITING gift idea we're ever come up with!
Derek: Are you ready?
Bruce: Are you hyped?
Derek: Are you PUMPED?
Bruce: Lets go!
Bruce and Derek jog forward and go behind the camera.
Shot changes to Bruce and Derek standing on top of a wall. Camera is angled so that you can't see the ground, and you're looking up at Bruce and Derek. They continue to shout their lines.
Bruce: It's an action packed day out for you and your mother!
Derek: With lots of extreme activities, like skydiving!
Bruce: Go on, give her the treat of a lifetime!
Derek: But thats not all! Come on!
Derek and Bruce jump off wall to either side of the camera, arms flailing.
Shot changes to Derek and Bruce in a canoe.
Bruce: There's also white water rafting and canoeing!
Derek: But thats not all! There's also climbing, snowboarding and bungee jumping!
Bruce: What a day out it will be.
Derek: Go on! Give your mother a treat today!
B & D: Because she's worth it!
Video finishes. Godfrey and Humphrey come back on stage.
Godfrey: Mother will love it, don't you think Humphrey?
Humphrey: Yes indeed! And she's always on about...
Godfrey: ...Spending more time with us! And she is worth it, isnt she?
Godfrey: Too true Humphrey! Lets buy it! You know what I always say... a mother is for life...
Humphrey: Not just for Mother's Day! Come on, I fancy some Fisherman's Friends while I'm here...
Exit