Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I've started keeping a prayer diary. I figured I type quicker than I think, so typing out prayers is probably the way to go. I have a document full of prayers (Well, not full. Documents don't get full, as such... ah, you know what I mean.) and another document where I write down answered prayers. Its really surprised me how many of my prayers are answered.

After just a week, reading through the list is proving a very useful tool in worship.

Try it!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Cups of coffee this week: Zero
Laps of the pool I have done since Friday: 50, give or take a dozen.
Pints of pool water I have consumed: Approx 17.45
Time I have read Bridget Jones: Once too many.

One of the nastier side effects of my new found girliness is that I have been craving ice cream constantly. Nothing will appease me - only Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ben & Jerrys will do. And the size of Ben & Jerry's tubs are perfect for an individual binge.

However, this new found love of all that is full of lard is wrecking havoc with my waistline. I decided that I wasn't willing to give up ice cream, so have joined the gym. The membership fees are digging right into my disposable income (I am having to limit myself to one pair of shoes a month! How will I cope?!?) but I'm rather enjoying it. I haven't dared set foot in the gym yet, except for my induction, but I'm going swimming alot. This is where you will find me every other day, panting and puffing and trying desperately to blink my contact lenses back to the front of my eyes.

Speaking of my induction, I was particulary stressed about that. I didn't want the toned and honed gym staff to realize that I was a total gym n00b, so I made a rediculous effort to look like I hadn't made an effort at all. At least an hour of thought went into my outfit (Suitable for pumping some iron, yet also casual enough to not look like I'd got changed especially. I often pump iron in my spare time, you know...). I refused to let myself arrive too early (I didn't want to look too keen, after all), so drove round town twice rather than wait in reception. I did some fake phone calls on my mobile phone when I did get there too, to look like a busy and and interesting person, not a phycho who drives round town twice rather than arrive at the gym early. I so pulled it off.

My first trip to the swimming pool with Emily was also amusing. I had been stressing that the pool would be filled with glorious, toned athletes who would make me look like some sort of packet of lard on legs in comparison, but when I peeped through the window into the pool, I was relieved to find that it was filled with old people. This suited us just fine, so we got changed happily and were putting our gear into a locker when we noticed something was up. One old dear was staring at us very intently and not moving. Her mouth was agape with shock and confusion. At this point a life guard tapped us on the shoulder and informed us that we had turned up to the Over 50s swim. The old dear piped up with, "I knew you weren't over 50!" as if she'd make a huge philosophical revelation.

Never mind.

When I did eventually get into the pool, I realized that swimming wasn't as effortless as it had been when I was 6. When I was a wee one, my only concern was drowning. Now, I am out of breath after a single 25m lap, and keep on needing to stop and regain my composure.

With the help of Yvette and Emily, I have now learned how to do breast stroke, and to look less stupid when I do front and back crawl. I have also created my own stroke (its working title is the "twist and stroke") which consists of turning over alot, and getting very dizzy and disorientated in the middle of the pool. Its fun!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

In the past two weeks, a sudden and dramatic change has come over me. I have started to act girly.

I have no idea what triggered it. All I know is one day I woke up and had an urge for a bubble bath. Throughout the rest of that fateful day, I not only had a bubble bath but I put my hair in ringlets, ordered some adorable pink high heels from Irregular Choice, painted my toenails, vowed to stop chewing my finger nails, watched a chick flick and cried over a picture of a cute puppy.

These are dark, dark times in the life of Vickie.

Since then, I have calmed down somewhat. I am wearing my precious Dr Martens less often, which distresses and liberates me in equal amounts. I am wearing these shoes alot.

I am also getting excited about handbags and the idea of going blonde is starting to appeal to me. Also, I am listening to more angsty girl pop music than I normally let myself.

Amy Studts still cool right??

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Driving to work this morning, I drove past a caravan parked in a car park in town. Feeling a small connection to the caravanning world, I squinted over to have a look.

The door was wide open, and there was a middle aged gentleman standing there in his underpants, baring all to the world. He was smiling and looking into the distance, which happened to be an old people's home.

I don't understand. Surely he knew that people could see him, standing there in all his glory? Like THL, I understand the Theory of Invisibility in cars, but in a caravan doorway? Surely he understands that this isn't his normal house, and is infact a caravan, overlooking a well used car park and road? Or maybe he just doesn't care?

I wish him well.

This is a little something I've been working on for a while. Worryingly, I've done (or had done to me) almost every single one of these things. I do the "youth dawgs" one every week. The youth dawgs "diggit."
Oh, and thanks for all the other youth leaders who helped me write the list - I forget exactly who, but I think Anna, Grant and Blane were involved. And sorry to all my youth leaders. It wasn't personal, I just did it all for attention, I swear...

Ways to annoy your youth group

- Study topics like "Contagious Skin Diseases of the Old Testament."
- Ask them if they've been "washed in the blood of the sacrificial lamb."
- Say "Hidi ho!" to them in the street. Especially if they're with their friends. Also, ruffle their hair.
- When asked to sign a young persons Bible, tell them to "Check out Hezekiah 4:13 - It'll change your life!"
- On residentials, wake everyone up at 5 for an early morning "prayer jog."
- Attempt to use slang. "Yo, what up, youth dawgs! I see you're just hanging with your homies! I diggit!"
- Say things like "In my day, we didnt even HOLD HANDS before the act of holy matrimony had taken place!"
- Try and rouse their affections for the Good Lord by singing a cheery round of Kumbyah.
- Dye your hair a fetching orange colour. Its so "scene."(Carl!)
- Prophecy over them that they will marry another member of your youth group. Preferably someone they hate.
- Only communicate to them through a hand puppet called Timmy, eg
Young Person: Can I chat to you about something?
Youth leader: Say hello to TIMMY!!!!!!!
- Do "Turn or burn" sermons. Claim it was spirit led.

Ways to annoy your youth leader

- While on residentials, escape from hostel. Dance around on hilltops. Then come back to hostel and steal toaster and the communion bread. Sleep like a baby. (Sorry Carl!)
- Answer every question with "Jesus!" Look smug.
- Attempt to set them up with other youth leaders.
- Call them "Sir!" or "Miss!"
- Before any youth activity, consume industrial quantities of sugar. And bring some Red Bull too. For luck.
- When arguing your point, shouting "DINOSAURS!!!" will suffice.
- When camping, place frogs in their tent. Jean never really got over that.
- Correct their pronounciation of Biblical names, eg "Its AY-dam, not Adam. Thats a common mispronounciation. God will still punish you for it though."
- Ask "But how do you know that?" every 3 minutes. Demand to see the origional Hebrew.
- Call them "Dad." Or "God." (I'm sorry Jon!)
- Argue the case for "Kitty cats SO DO go to heaven!" Every week. Without fail.
- Claim that the Nephilim are actually just a minor league Canadian baseball team.
- After a lifetime of attending church and church activities, look surprised and say "Woah, you guys actually think God EXISTS?"
- Insist that communicating with God is easiest when you have full volume trance music in the background and you're grooving to the technological beats. Ask if you can lead the worship at the next Pensioner's Supper.
- Chew furniture.