Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hosea 11:8
Oh, how can I give you up, Israel?
How can I let you go?
How can I destroy you like Admah
or demolish you like Zeboiim?
My heart is torn within me,
and my compassion overflows.

I have no idea where this post is going. I just really needed to write something, anything. I'm sorry for the lack of structure, for any spelling mistakes, for the countless grammatical errors and any dubious theology. There'll probably be a lot.

I love the Book of Hosea. I love it because the laments of God are so raw, so real. There's something in it that draws me in, that points at a God who is grief stricken with love. The image of God as a wounded lover, emotional and desperate for reconciliation with me captures my mind and my heart in a way nothing else quite can. The Lord of utmost holiness, beyond all time and space not only knows of my existence, but is passionately in love with me.

I struggle with it, I fight with it. Nothing can make me worthy of the love of our creator, nothing, yet he still fights for me, he still seeks me and he still seeks to delight me day by day. This morning, I went out to pray (A rare occurrence nowadays) and was looking over Hosea again. This is the verse that stuck out to me.

Hosea 22:20
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the Lord.

I can't believe the God who I stick two fingers up at daily has promised that. That he is still determined to be my husband in the world's last days, whatever that means, and that he still desires to be faithful to me, however unfaithful I am to him. The idea that he still delights in the small things, in the details of my character, life and personality is too much for me to comprehend.

My God, how great thou art. I am yours, my lover.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Me and Rob T went to Poptastic last night! It was marvellous fun. Two gay men told me I was fabulous, one of them said I was feminine (A big deal after the swimming pool incident...) and a lesbian tried to touch me up. I also made myself bleed by trying to dance with a banister and broke several nails. A good night!





Because we're so attractive, we also managed to get onto the website. Considering we're the most unphotogenic pair ever, we were a pretty poor choice.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I'm fairly sure I had a decent story to write down, but I've forgotten it. Is it really bad that whenever anything mildly interesting happens to me, the first thing I think is, "Ooo, I shall have to blog that!" I think that sentence alone proves how uninteresting my life is.

I waxed my legs last night, so now my calves look diseased. It's very attractive, I must say. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but straight afterwards my legs were so tender that even a gentle breeze against them felt like sandpaper. Poor wee things.

I drove Henna to Liverpool Airport this morning at 8am, so I'm very awake but physically exhausted, if that makes sense. I've managed to lose my one and only folder with all my college work in it too, so if anyone has it, please give it back!

For lent, I've decided to give up wearing make up. I've only been without it for 9 hours and already I feel paranoid and tortured. People are claiming they can't tell the difference, but there blatantly is. Whenever my face is paint-free, people always comment on how tired I am, even if I'm wide awake. Wearing 4 layers of muck hides that type of thing. Bleugh.

Someone (Tidy, I presume...) is practising sea shantys on a jolly musical instrument somewhere in my halls. I'm not sure if I want to dance or punch them.

One of the few times I've read my Bible this year, I noticed a verse in it that I've never noticed before which amused me a lot. It's just after Jesus is arrested in Gethsemane, and he's being led away by the guards.

Mark 14:51-52
There was a young man following along behind, clothed only in a linen nightshirt. When the mob tried to grab him, they tore off his clothes, but he escaped and ran away naked.

I have no idea who this guy is, but I like him a lot. "The forgotten loon."

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I went to the gym this morning with Rob Tidy. We worked up a healthy glow in the gym, gained a more unnatural sweat in the steam room, then cooled down in the pool, where we did one lap then talked about how healthy and amazing we are.

After this, we needed showers, so when I took a wrong turn on the way back from my locker and found a whole room filled with showers, we were delighted. I was happily soaking my hair, bikini clad, feeling very healthy and hygienic when a group of 10 year old boys walk in. One of them stands in front of me dumbstruck, looks at Rob confused, then said to him, "Is it a girl?"

Apparently I'd wandered into the men's showers by mistake, but I'm still insulted that my gender was brought into question. Could it have been anymore obvious? I had (running) make up on, I was wearing a bikini, I have some sort of attempt at a chest and have long, girly hair.

Next time, I will wear pink.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I have a new boast!



NUMBER ONE BABY!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I was at church this morning, and two six year old girls started asking me about my love life. This is how it went.

Small child: Vickie, do you have a boyfriend?
Vickie: Yes, yes I do!
Small child: Why don't you ask him to give you his seed so that you can have a baby?
Vickie: What?!?!?! Pardon?
Small child: My mummy says you only have to be nice to boys for one night and then they'll give you a baby. You should have a baby!
Vickie: No. Go and play in the tree.
Small child: Yay!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Written by myself, and Chris Hunter.

The Book of Hezekiah

Chapter 1
1. In the eighteenth year of the reign of Bindibaddi in the province of Collywolly the word of the LORD came to Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. The LORD spake thusly:
3. "Thee, Hezekiah! Take my message of wrath unto the heathens and the pagans.
4. The evils of thy deeds hast burnt against thee and the righteous fire of the LORD shall consume thy livestock,
5. thy women and thy lives."

Chapter 2
1. "Woe is me!" cried Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. "For I have a really bad memory."

Chapter 3
1. Thus replied the LORD:
2. "Why must all in Israel be so flippin' thick?
3. Who can take this message of woe to the heathens and the pagans?"

Chapter 4
1. "No no!" cried Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. "I will take the message, just give me a second to write it down."

Chapter 5
1. Thus spake the LORD again:
2. "Ok, do you need a pen?"

Chapter 6
1. Thus replied Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "No, it's alright, I've got one here. Carry on."

Chapter 7
1. Thus spake the LORD:
2. "Woe to the heathens, for they have defiled the land of the LORD!
3. They have ignored my commands;
4. and have refused repentance.
5. Fire will burn against them, and their armies will be surrounded by clouds of locusts.
6. Their wives will be barren, and their men will produce forth no seed.
7. I will turn my face away from them, for I, the LORD, am angry!
8. They will cry out to me, but I will not listen.
9. I will busy myself with re-runs of Friends and Will and Grace, like other forsaken lovers.
10. But none have been betrayed like I, the LORD!
11. I offered you comfort in my breasts of splendour, but you rejected me!
12. I offered protection from all your enemies, but still you rejected me!
13. What else am I to do?
14. I offered you my body, I bribed you with manna and honey!
15. I sent poetry to you, hidden in sunbeams and sunsets.
16. You danced for joy when I sent rain, but you sent your offerings of thanks to Baal instead.
17. I, the LORD, am hurting!
18. How do I reach you, when even Israel forsakes me?
19. When will you love me, like I love you?
20. My heart longs for you; come back to me, my gentle dumpling!"

Chapter 8
1. Thus replied Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "Do you spell "Baal" with one "a" or two?"

Chapter 9
1. The LORD replied to Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "It's spelt with two. However, there are no vowels in Hebrew, so stop being so picky. Though adding them now will save alot of time later, so you might as well. Good idea.
3. Also, while I remember, having three concubines is just greedy. Sort that out."

Chapter 10
1. Hezekiah, son of Jomond, fell to his knees and wept,
2. for he loved his three concubines as much as he loved his wives.
3. He dressed himself in sackcloth, and rubbed ashes on his face, and ran around the city like a mad man for 7 days and 6 nights.
4. At the end of the seventh day, the glory of the LORD came upon Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
5. "Stop whining!" spoke the LORD.
6. "Also, take a bath, then get your pen again. I have something else to tell you."

Chapter 11
1. The LORD spoke again to Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "Take my message to the heathens and the pagans!
3. They camp at the other side of Mount Baabaa. Go there tonight, while the moon is full, and the geese are fat. I will protect you, because I have chosen you."

Chapter 12
1. Thus, Hezekiah, son of Jomond, went to the other side of Mount Baabaa, where the heathens and the pagans were camping.
2. On the 8th day of the 9th month of Hezekiah, son of Jomond's, 51st year, while he was nearing the camp of the heathens and the pagans at Mount Baabaa, the heavens opened, and Hezekiah saw many things.
3. He saw a fire in the sky in the shape of a giant stallion, and on each of it's 8 legs was an exact scale replica of the Tabernacle.
4. Several small, fiery raccoons also pranced about the sky, but they didn't really do anything.
5. Hezekiah cowered in a cave until sunrise.

Chapter 13
1. Hezekiah spake thusly:
2. "LORD! Protect me from the fiery stallion of your splendour!
3. Your glory has blinded me, and seen into my innermost being!
4. I am unworthy LORD! Hide your face from me, because I am afraid."

Chapter 14
1. Thus replied the LORD:
2. "I hope this isn't awkward, but I was doing a risk assessment for a flood last night. That wasn't me.
3. It was actually a hallucination induced by not having slept in a week. Sleep is important."

Chapter 15
1. Hezekiah arose and spoke the message of the LORD to the heathens and the pagans.
2. He lived for a further 148 years, living to see 4 generations of children and grandchildren. None of them did anything important, except Menchookadek, who invented an early prototype of the toaster.
3. Then Hezekiah died, having lived a long, full life.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Poppy just told me a really good Chris Hunter quote:
"If I was any more masculine, I'd be Cher." What a legend.

Loads of us went for a curry last night in Rusholme and it was awesome - the best bit was definitely when the waiter brought Chris's food. The plate was covered by a lid, and he was going on about how it was the chef's special, and suddenly he pulls the lid off and this huge rubber chicken jumps into Chris's lap. It was amazing.

In other news, Chris, Rob Tidy and I have a house to live in next term and beyond. It's awesome and big and just next to college. I'm going to fill it with expensive furniture and gym equipment.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Remember my first commentary on the joys of hotornot.com? This is part two.

With all the excitement of college life (It's all kegs and toga parties, I swear...), hotornot had managed to escape my attentions for a few months. However, I couldn't go too long without rating people purely on their physical appearance, so I came crawling back, like a binge drinking uni student crawling to a club. Which I totally am, honest.

Anyway, I've had some more offers of courtship. They're all very handsome, like Roger here.

I can barely contain my longing/lust/wench-ianity. Phwoar!

There's also quite a few men who obviously haven't quite got the point of their personal blurb. Mike from Toronto stands out from the crowd. Remember this isn't a message to me personally, it's in the blurb that goes underneith your photo in the Meet Me section of the site.

"I was just randomly giving out 10 ratings to everyone, I saw your pic and I thought 10 isn't enough. There can't be any harm of tellin u I think you are the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Hey if you wanna keep in touch randomly I'm Mike from Toronto."

Oh my, Mike! I'm the prettiest girl you've ever seen? Please! You think I'm SO pretty that you even mentioned me in your About Me? That's so cute! I love how indivudual your message is! And the fact that you'd rate me highly on a purely aesthetic scale makes me feel really good about myself. I am a good person! I am!


This dapper young man's tagline is "whats up im bored and annoyed u choose what else i should be." I don't know about you, but I'm always searching for angry, frustrated men with nothing to do but hang around making informative blurbs for themselves on social networking sites. I'm also very excited by the prospect of choosing his third emotion - there's so many choices! Pensive? Repentant? Powerless? Itchy? Whippee!

I also found the most adorable little boy with the most ironic tagline ever:

"I am a 21 y/o student. I'm untamed and enjoyable... Meet me if you think you can handle me!"

But he's so cute and small! Butter couldn't melt in his little boy mouth! And his interests are "clouds" and "chocolates." I find it difficult to believe he's untamed, like a horny rhino. Grrr.

Speaking of horny rhinos, I've found myself a suitable husband. I don't yet know his name, but I'm in love. From the first look at his photo, I haven't been able to get the glorious image out of my mind. I can image us, in the throes of wedded bliss, skipping through fields of daffodils merrily and argueing over whose turn it is to do the washing up.

Sorry Rob!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Me and Mr Tidy went to the city centre yesterday.

Hello Mr Tidy! Hello giant condom mural!

We tried on attractive sunglasses.

I also found a particularly fetching waist coat that I reckon would suit my dear boyfriend. My favourite detail is the actual sticks that the young women are carrying. He could wear it with some sort of interesting tie.

I also found this.

Clown babies, anyone?