Friday, February 09, 2007

Written by myself, and Chris Hunter.

The Book of Hezekiah

Chapter 1
1. In the eighteenth year of the reign of Bindibaddi in the province of Collywolly the word of the LORD came to Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. The LORD spake thusly:
3. "Thee, Hezekiah! Take my message of wrath unto the heathens and the pagans.
4. The evils of thy deeds hast burnt against thee and the righteous fire of the LORD shall consume thy livestock,
5. thy women and thy lives."

Chapter 2
1. "Woe is me!" cried Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. "For I have a really bad memory."

Chapter 3
1. Thus replied the LORD:
2. "Why must all in Israel be so flippin' thick?
3. Who can take this message of woe to the heathens and the pagans?"

Chapter 4
1. "No no!" cried Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
2. "I will take the message, just give me a second to write it down."

Chapter 5
1. Thus spake the LORD again:
2. "Ok, do you need a pen?"

Chapter 6
1. Thus replied Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "No, it's alright, I've got one here. Carry on."

Chapter 7
1. Thus spake the LORD:
2. "Woe to the heathens, for they have defiled the land of the LORD!
3. They have ignored my commands;
4. and have refused repentance.
5. Fire will burn against them, and their armies will be surrounded by clouds of locusts.
6. Their wives will be barren, and their men will produce forth no seed.
7. I will turn my face away from them, for I, the LORD, am angry!
8. They will cry out to me, but I will not listen.
9. I will busy myself with re-runs of Friends and Will and Grace, like other forsaken lovers.
10. But none have been betrayed like I, the LORD!
11. I offered you comfort in my breasts of splendour, but you rejected me!
12. I offered protection from all your enemies, but still you rejected me!
13. What else am I to do?
14. I offered you my body, I bribed you with manna and honey!
15. I sent poetry to you, hidden in sunbeams and sunsets.
16. You danced for joy when I sent rain, but you sent your offerings of thanks to Baal instead.
17. I, the LORD, am hurting!
18. How do I reach you, when even Israel forsakes me?
19. When will you love me, like I love you?
20. My heart longs for you; come back to me, my gentle dumpling!"

Chapter 8
1. Thus replied Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "Do you spell "Baal" with one "a" or two?"

Chapter 9
1. The LORD replied to Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "It's spelt with two. However, there are no vowels in Hebrew, so stop being so picky. Though adding them now will save alot of time later, so you might as well. Good idea.
3. Also, while I remember, having three concubines is just greedy. Sort that out."

Chapter 10
1. Hezekiah, son of Jomond, fell to his knees and wept,
2. for he loved his three concubines as much as he loved his wives.
3. He dressed himself in sackcloth, and rubbed ashes on his face, and ran around the city like a mad man for 7 days and 6 nights.
4. At the end of the seventh day, the glory of the LORD came upon Hezekiah, son of Jomond.
5. "Stop whining!" spoke the LORD.
6. "Also, take a bath, then get your pen again. I have something else to tell you."

Chapter 11
1. The LORD spoke again to Hezekiah, son of Jomond:
2. "Take my message to the heathens and the pagans!
3. They camp at the other side of Mount Baabaa. Go there tonight, while the moon is full, and the geese are fat. I will protect you, because I have chosen you."

Chapter 12
1. Thus, Hezekiah, son of Jomond, went to the other side of Mount Baabaa, where the heathens and the pagans were camping.
2. On the 8th day of the 9th month of Hezekiah, son of Jomond's, 51st year, while he was nearing the camp of the heathens and the pagans at Mount Baabaa, the heavens opened, and Hezekiah saw many things.
3. He saw a fire in the sky in the shape of a giant stallion, and on each of it's 8 legs was an exact scale replica of the Tabernacle.
4. Several small, fiery raccoons also pranced about the sky, but they didn't really do anything.
5. Hezekiah cowered in a cave until sunrise.

Chapter 13
1. Hezekiah spake thusly:
2. "LORD! Protect me from the fiery stallion of your splendour!
3. Your glory has blinded me, and seen into my innermost being!
4. I am unworthy LORD! Hide your face from me, because I am afraid."

Chapter 14
1. Thus replied the LORD:
2. "I hope this isn't awkward, but I was doing a risk assessment for a flood last night. That wasn't me.
3. It was actually a hallucination induced by not having slept in a week. Sleep is important."

Chapter 15
1. Hezekiah arose and spoke the message of the LORD to the heathens and the pagans.
2. He lived for a further 148 years, living to see 4 generations of children and grandchildren. None of them did anything important, except Menchookadek, who invented an early prototype of the toaster.
3. Then Hezekiah died, having lived a long, full life.

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