1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
"Vickie needs to be fired." Gee, thanks Google.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
"Vickie looks like a woman who's fought long and hard to enjoy herself, which bodes well for the couple; perhaps she's even strong enough to endure the truth." I want to know what a woman who's fought long and hard to enjoy herself looks like; party poppers in her hair, I hope.

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
"Vickie does best." WIN!

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
"If reviewer Vickie hates a movie—hooo-boy—you'll be sure to hear about it!" Hooo boy! Yee hah!

5: Type in "[your name] goes to" in Google search:
"Vickie goes to war in her Birkenstocks." I like that one.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
"Vickie loves Alex." Hooo boy!

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
I refuse to type this one because it's dirty and rude. I do not partake in such activities.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
"Vickie has a flat share to rent in Cardiff." I really wish that was true.

9: Type in "[your name] died" in Google Search:
"When Vickie died in 1998 , everyone thought it would just be a matter of time before Bai followed her." Bai's following me??

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
"Vickie will never be a large, sweaty caterpillar." Best. Result. Ever.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

EDIT: The morning after.

It appears I blogged while I was drunk. I'm sorry I upset anyone; I was in a bit of an "I will let no man bring me down!" mood. I think I can summarise the post as follows:

1. I'm listening to a song about pirates and I like it.
2. Something about not being a plank; clever link, yes?
3. I am angry at various men.

I eventually found an e-card website that I can relate to!

Anyone who's ever made the mistake of giving me their email address in the past, be warned.

I'm dying my hair at the moment; I decided that instead of making my normal break up mistake of getting a bob, I'd dye blue instead. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any blue dye in the Trafford Centre, so it's going to be purple instead. I'm hoping that my hair is healthy enough to cope with being bleached twice in a day, and I'm not forced into getting a bob by all my hair falling out in the shower.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Seriously, I love the internet. I remember the first time I used it, when I was about 10 or 11, sitting on a computer chair far too big for me with my dad standing behind me, his hand on my shoulder, getting flustered because we couldn't figure out where to put the url. The first website I wanted to look at was ty.com because at the time, I was an avid collector of Beanie Babies. Come to think of it, I still have about 300 of them packed in individual sandwich bags in my parent's spare room, ready to sell for millions. If anyone has any tips on selling old Beanie Babies for big money, please let me know. I like big money.

Anyway, after my first fumblings with putting the url into the search bar, I discovered my first online community; Catz. It was an interactive game where you could play with virtual kittens, "breed" them (They nuzzled and a big red heart covered the screen for about 30 seconds) and make them have virtual baby catz. I used to download new Catz (It took about 50 minutes; hurrah for dial up!) and spend hours reading pages about how cruel it was to abuse your virtual catz. I did the same with the Sims 1 community (similar game, but with people!) and then discovered forums and chatrooms; they were smaller and less moderated back then, with a proper sense of community. There were a lot less randomers coming into chats, shouting "EPIC WIN FOR 4CHAN!!111" and leaving.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, I became a bit of an addict, and the internet stayed a constant companion throughout my adolescence. The reason why I bring it up today, however, is because I wanted to share things on it that are making me laugh.

Demonbaby pointed me towards this site. It's filled with painstakingly hand drawn pictures of people doing their jobs, with Jesus standing over them getting in the way. I'm not sure why it tickles me so much, but I've been giggling for hours over this. Here's Jesus with a bank teller, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

The woman looks slightly creeped out, like she's trying to figure out a way to tell Jesus that he's not supposed to be standing BEHIND the counter, because that's generally considered a major security risk, but she can't tell him that because he's Jesus, but she's still worried incase her boss catches him there, eyeing up the cash and she gets fired. Jesus looks more like he's had an important theological revelation about her hair.

It also wories me how much the internet knows about me; as soon as my relationship status on Facebook changed to single, the ads on the side bar all changed. Instead of "Get skinny for summer!" (Facebook obviously also thinks I'm fat) ads I'm getting hundreds of ads for dating services. This is a fairly random selection of the hand picked ads I'm now viewing every day:

So, I can summarise what Facebook thinks of me like this:
1. I am single and desperate.
2. I am a sci fi nerd.
3. I am interested in stalking people with professional police surveillance equipment.
4. I'm a "discerning indivudual."

It's fairly accurate, I'll give it that.

Myspace used to give similar results, but at the moment it's just telling me how to watch Futurama over and over. A few months ago though, it told me to go check out Illicit Encounters; I'm still not sure whether it's a joke or not. It's set up as a dating site for people who are already married and want to "spice up their life." If it's real, and I'm suspecting it is, I'm quite baffled as to why anyone would use it; could anyone really be deluded enough to think they'll meet a sane, charming individual on a site dedicated to setting up extra marital affairs? You can even send e-cards and postcards to people, requesting an illicit encounter. They're not quite so detailed as inSpot's STI e-cards ("I have chlymydia! You should go check yourself out...") but are still quite fun.

Also, all the laydeez out there should say hello to Brian. Click here for his Facebook, he's open to being poked.