Thursday, June 26, 2008

I've previously written about the strange men I come across on here and here.

In the hotornot universe, you have a few sentences to sell yourself and sum yourself up. Most people's are things like "I'm 27, I'm in the marines, when I'm at home I like to party so click yes!!"

This is mine.

I'm a bird watching fanatic. I also have a large collection of dead birds, they give me much pleasure. When I'm not busy with my birds, I enjoy collecting stamps and marbles from different countries.
What man would not like that?

Anyway, so I spend too much of my time replying to men who message me in my fun, bird watching persona. I thought I would share the results with you. So far, 95% of the people I message believe me wholeheartedly, and seem to like it.
Tony seems a fairly normal guy. His blurb tells me he likes sports and poetry. Tony also believes everything I say. Here's the transcript of our conversation; it spans over about 2 days.

Tony: hi how are u doing

Vickie: I've just been dusting my collection of taxidermied birds. Those buggers sure do attract dust!
How are you?

Tony:ive been good just been playing basketball and baseball and enjoy the summer so how long have u been collectin birds???

Vickie: Well, my collection really started off as an accident; I inherited over 200 when my Aunt Matilda passed, and I sort of added to her collection for the past few years. They fill her entire manor; I have to do my degree part time just to have enough time to clean all of them!

Tony: wow that alot thats cool tho i don't htink i have ever know anyone that has collected or done anything liek that before any had a collection of any kinda. So what ohter stuff are kinda of things are u in too

Vickie: I like professional surveillance equipment and sun loungers. What about you?

Tony: thats cool got to say your diff. from most gurls i know but i got to say i like that you are your own self. i enjoy begin out side find new things too do playin sports as well as watchin them

Suggestions for what I should tell Tony next are appreciated. I'm thinking I tell him about how even my phychiatrist doesn't understand me, but my friend Roger does, and Roger is with me always, it's just no one else can see him.

My absolute favourite person on hotornot is Robert. Robert is either batwing insane, or an even bigger prankster than me. He really, really seems to like the marbles thing.

He writes really long messages, so I won't copy and paste the whole thing; here are some highlights. I never reply with much; he sometimes sends me three messages in a row.

"I am totally fascinated by your photos and your keywords. Feel free to get in touch with me and I'll help you find some new marbles from places that you may not have them."
I was so disappointed that you didn't write me back! I really really like your look and the fact that you collect things!"
"So; I suddenly have a huge desire to find a very interesting marble to send to you---I'll have to start looking for something unique and beautiful (like you are)---something to reflect your beauty. "
I know this is crazy; but I woke up this morning, checked my email on here and was so hoping that I might have already heard back from you----there is just something about you that drives me crazy! I mean that. "
by the way, I also collect traditional church music and Gregorian Chants."
I have to tell you one of the things that I most like about you, I am enthralled with among other things your thick prominent eyebrows; it is one of the things I most like in women."

I'll book an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed off ASAP.

However, sometimes it's very hard not to revert back to my normal self. I told this guy (Chris) that I'm a theology student and he wrote back with this:

"love nothing better than sharpening my skills on poor theology students. however, been reading heidegger for the past year and am discerning a much more mystical way of interpreting Being, so you might have met me at the right time....i much prefer theology to marketing or PR fact i won't date anyone who hasn't got a degree in the humanities. Does that make me a liberal fascist? i hope so"

I replied with "You sound like a tit." He doesn't talk to me anymore.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

On my local radio station they were advertising this service where you text a name and location to 68666 and it'll tell you about the person you described. As I'm always up for wasting time and money, I used it.

Turns out it's not a totally random result; I'm not totally sure how they get their results, but Facebook is definitely involved, as is regular Google name searches. Sometimes the results were scarily accurate, but other times, especially if the person in question doesn't really use the internet, they were just really funny. This is what I got. I'm presuming "Buddy" is the name of the text service.

Vickie Scott, Didsbury.
"Buddy knows one who hails from Nazarene Theological College & was seen flirting with Jacob Thirkell! Has a birthday in late march! A bit of a fashionista!"
Pretty accurate I guess, other than the bit about being a fashionista, and Jake. I'm not sure where or when I flirted with Jake, but I'm sure it was amazing and I will treasure it in my heart forever and always.

Kat Day, Withington
"Buddy knows one who was blessed with looks & intelligence & has close ties to teaching! Recently heard gossiping with Vickie about guys! Looks sexy in white!"
Buddy made up for Kat's lack of social networking profiles by complimenting her a lot. It's all true though, so we like Kat's result.

Joseph Wood, Jamestown
"Your buddy knows Joseph! Mates with Rob Tidy who is definately not as neat as his name would suggest. They love to have a few too many pints together - cute!"
I don't think Joseph and Tiddles have ever had a pint together ever, but come to think of it, they would be cute. Maybe they should.

Robert Tidy, Didsbury
"Buddy knows a Robert Tidy. A religion and theology student from University of Manchester, works in the library. Short brown hair. Good friends with Vickie Scott."
Rob's result was probably the most boring because it was so damn accurate.

Mark Schofield, Bolton
"Buddy knows an emerging tennis superstar named Mark Schofield who dominates in the 1sts team alongside Andrew Davies. Ladies love his skills!"
This was definitely not the Mark I texted in about. Ladies do not love his skills as much.

I think this all proved that me and Tiddles are very easy to stalk online.

In sadder news, my baby tortoise Sophie died yesterday. She hadn't been eating properly for a while, and ironically it was just after I decided on a vet to call that she died. I made her a coffin boat and put her in the river. Despite the boat being made out of paper, it still managed to float away intact. I hope she doesn't wash ashore and get found by a curious child :(

This is a list of what I did today.

1. I was woken up by my estate agent telling me that a group was coming to look round the house in 15 minutes. I got ready very quickly. I tried out my new Listerine mouthwash today and it was stingy, but in a good way.
2. Tidied up very quickly so the random strangers looking round my house didn't judge me.
3. Watched all of Scrubs season 4.
4. Dyed my hair blue; haven't taken pictures because I'm not wearing make up today and I need a hair cut.
5. Cooked meatballs. Only slightly burnt.
6. Cleaned out both fridges. Kitchen now smells considerably less.
7. Considered cutting my own hair. Decided against it.
8. Considered again, out of boredom. Might give it a go if I can't sleep.
9. Danced around the kitchen to Stacie Orrico. Realised new neighbour was watching me so ducked behind kitchen cabinet and crawled out of door, hoping she would think I was some sort of raving ghost and therefore ease my embarrassment.
10. Cut my toenails with kitchen scissors. Am impressed with results.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I HATE YOU FACEBOOK! 20 is not old! I'm still fertile! I haven't even finished college! Shut up shut up shut up.

However, two things that are slightly cooler than Facebook's attitude towards singleness are:

1. Face of the Future (Thanks THL). It transforms your face into other races, age groups, chimps and other arty type things. This apparently is what I looked like as a baby, and what I will look like as an old woman.

I think I make quite a fun, generic grandmother but the baby photo terrifies me; I should probably be banned from reproducing in case I inflict a race of evil, toothy doll babies on the world.

This is East Asian Vickie and Afro-Caribbean Vickie. Asian Vickie looks quite innocent, but Black Vickie scares me somewhat. It could be the teeth.

2. I eventually figured out how to rip audio from Youtube videos! My iTunes is now much more fun. Instructions are here.

I'm at my parents now; thankfully they're not too concerned by my face wound.

I've been poking through my mother's computer and I knew I needed to share this picture with the world, because it shows a part of my life few of my college friends even know about.

I am one of those weird interpretative dancers. You're jealous, I know. It's pretty damn cool.

Erm, so I have a rather embarrasing problem. It's not quite as bad as most of the infections that seem to infest my body, but still quite mortifying and hard to speak about in normal social situations. It's not painful so much as it's obvious.

MY HOUSEMATE GIVE ME A HICKY ON MY FOREHEAD. Against my will, I may add. We didn't agree to it over dinner and pinky shake on what a great way it would be to show our affection towards each other. Oh no. He just lunged in there with his lips of steel, and left a great big love bruise on my head. Thanks, Tiddles. I love you too.

Seriously. Pretty much right in the middle. I can make it less obvious with an irritating and impractical emo fringe, but my only real option in hiding it is to wear a hat. This wouldn't be as much of an issue (My life pretty much consists of Youtube and napping on the couch right now) but I'm going to my parents tomorrow, and there is no way they would not smell a rat (Maybe not this particular rat, I'd worry if "Oh no, some lout has given her a hicky on her forehead!" was their first thought whenever I wear a hat, but some sort of nasty rodent would be afoot at any rate) if I wore a wooly hat the entire time. It's not like I can pretend it's a disfiguring birth mark either, them being my parents and all. Unless between now and tomorrow I can make some sort of sexy bandana out of Cath Kidston fabric, I'm going to have to pretend it's a bruise caused by walking into something. Which will make me look stupid and I resent doing.

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