Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'm allowed the occasional square of dark chocolate and I enjoy it very, very much. I pick it apart into tiny pieces and make each bit last about 10 minutes. A square this big will keep me entertained for the better part of an hour.

This week I decided to seek out and contact a predatory man who hurt me as a teenager. Just to.... confront him, and see if he had anything to say for himself. It was probably a bad idea. He didn't even remember me. He then proceeded to hit on me. It's kind of funny how something so significant and damaging to me wasn't even worth a second thought to him. Well, maybe not funny so much as sick.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

All be in awe of the mighty poodle pendant!

Snowing today, got so many snowflakes in my hair I looked like something off a department store advert, just really pissed off.

Haven't broken my no carbs diet all weekend... But really craving a Bounty Bar.

I've always wanted to write a suburban young adult Christian coming-of-age erotic novella. - RT

Finding the balance between grace and self preservation is hard.

I had a girly night today with Adii and Heidi. Went tanning (was in a stand up booth for the first time - the lights made my skin look funny and all I could think was that my feet looked dirty and I needed to sort that out), then to Wetherspoons for some food, then to see Les Mis. I couldn't finish my gammon and egg, but it was very tasty. Les Mis was alright, but Hugh Jackman will always be Wolverine to me, which maybe hindered me from taking it as seriously as I should have done.

I bought a new mascara today, which is exactly the same as my old one but is in a purple bottle and promises to offer "volume AND length" instead of just "volume." It was 50p more expensive so I hope I made a wise choice.

When I get paid I'm going to order a cross stitch of a wizard fighting a dragon outside a castle, with a staff and a glowing orb. And tickets to the theater version of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

1. The lady on my favourite treadmill.
2. Every other person on a treadmill, because there weren't any left.
3. The two girls being shown around by the lady instructor, because they had really loud voices but were having a really boring conversation which then made me bored.
4. The group of girls lounging around on the mats talking on their phones, because I wanted to go on a mat and they were in my way. I wouldn't have talked on my phone.
5. The woman on the mat next to me when I did find a free one. She was doing really fancy, elaborate sit ups and really showed me up.
6. The woman on the chest press machine who used the tiniest weight possible and panted a lot anyway.
7. The fat man who lounged around on one of the hip abductors for 15 minutes, fannying about and fiddling with his iPod and never used it once. 
8. The people in the queue for the water fountain, because I had eventually found a free treadmill and was in a hurry.
9. The gym instructor who made me feel really awkward by waving at someone behind me. I thought he was waving at me and waved back.
10. The two men next to me on the treadmill, because they shouted at each other the whole time in another language, so it wasn't any fun to listen in on.
11. The excessively sweaty man who is always on the ski machine. He was wearing a grey tshirt today so I could see the sweat really well.

Was in work an hour early today to do a count and stayed late to go to 'Spoons with my boss - it's a good job we get on, huh? Had a nice chat about the shop (and other things) and how I was doing as a supervisor. I feel hugely more capable than I did 12 months ago; I will still an anxious, depressed wreck then. Apparently Adii purposely didn't used to pull me up on it when my stats were low at work, because he was afraid it would "break" me. Probably true, to be honest.

Had an auditory hallucination today which is pretty rare for me; whispered voices just next to my ear as I walked up the stairs at work. My initial reaction was to hit "them" with a box. I guess I'm not as experienced at not reacting to auditory unreal, ha. Had a fairly standard visual one of the shutter moving up and down, in a wriggly, out of focus way too, which I obviously ignored like a pro.

My friend Ria came into work today with her baby Mason, who is a wee bastard and likes to keep her awake all night, every night. She was with some other mums and their tiny babies in hospital the other day and cheerfully said to them, "Who's up for swapping? Mine's a crier!" which just made them all look shocked and hold their babies very close to them. I thought it was hilarious. I was a bit more concerned when I found out she'd offered to swap him for a pit bull in the park though. Especially considering she hates dogs. I guess sleep deprivation has a lot to answer for.

Saturday, January 05, 2013

I bought a pair of jeans today. That probably sounds really boring but is rather exciting for me, because I never, ever wear trousers unless I'm at the gym. They fit well but I look weird - guess I'm not used to what my own arse looks like. Would probably be healthy to get used to it really.

While I was at work for a few seconds it looked like I'd grown hair all over my fingers. Puzzled me briefly before I realised it wasn't real!

Friday, January 04, 2013

I did something this week I was always really, really against and swore I would never do. I feel really naughty and a bit guilty because I know how bad it is, but I've already done it twice. And have plans to do it again on Sunday. And god, it gives me such a thrill. I feel like I'm glowing afterwards.

I've started going on sunbeds. I know, I know. I'm ashamed of myself too.

I made the most ridiculous impulse buy today. I was watching GemsTV, which is my favourite guilty pleasure, and I saw the ugliest pendant I've ever seen - a silver poodle, encrusted in yellow diamonds. Urine coloured diamonds. I thought it was hilarious. So I bought it. And I'm actually excited about it arriving. What's wrong with me?! I'll blame it on the UV. Obviously it's affected my reasoning.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

"The formal definition of insanity," I said, "is actually quite fluid. Two people can have the exact same condition, with the exact same severity, but one can be considered sane by the official standards while the other is considered insane. You cross the line into insanity when your mental state stops you from being able to function, from being able to have a normal life. By those standards, I'm not the least bit insane."
"You call this a normal life?" she asked.
"It works well enough." 
 - Legion by Brandon Sanderson

A little over a year ago, I hallucinated for the first time. I was walking from  my car to work. There was a swirly, perfect circle of smoke floating above the ground, moving slowly across the pavement. The patterns inside it flowed from one to another, and it was beautiful. I stopped to look at it because it didn't look right or real. When I looked at it from certain angles it shifted perspective too much. And I couldn't figure out what on earth it was. I stopped and watched it for a few minutes, but I didn't want to touch it. I was confused.

Later that night, I experienced two more hallucinations; large white shapes in the corner of my eye, moving but always staying just out of reach, and balls of light flying towards me. As soon as I saw them, I knew they weren't real - there was only the briefest moment of confusion, though it would be a lie to say I wasn't unnerved afterwards.

Since then, my hallucinations have mainly fallen into three categories. Firstly, lights; especially when I'm tired, I often see balls of light that I know can't be real. A few times it's happened while I've been driving in the dark, which has been difficult.

The second type of unreal that I experience is seeing things are actually there, but my mind changes them into something else for a few seconds. For example, this morning a woman was walking down the street, but for a few seconds, I saw her as a Klingon warrior. It doesn't happen with things I'm concentrating on, only things in the background; it's almost like my mind fills in the blanks, but isn't very good at it. I'm almost always aware of this when it happens; if I see something unusual, I immediately just presume it to be unreal, and don't react to it or interact with it. It's easier than it sounds to tell, because the things I see usually don't look entirely real - like they're in lower resolution to the rest of the world. The main problem I've found is when I'm going about my business, ignoring an obviously unreal thing, and it turns out to be real. I squealed the other week because a small child crouched in the corner at work turned out to be a real small child. I sometimes wonder whether I miss out on anything just by presuming a lot of things are unreal.

The third type is when I see things move that aren't supposed to move; for example, seeing a wall wave as if it's a flag, or seeing a table jump out as if it's about to bite me. If something moves suddenly, it's enough to make me react and jump. That can be quite embarrassing. I don't like that.

I've been to the doctors about it and originally it was presumed to be a medication side effect. Other than one or two brief episodes of paranoia at the beginning, I don't have any other symptoms of schizophrenia, which seems to discount that. I've not been on any medication for about 11 months now and I still experience hallucinations most days, so I'm really not sure what to think. I just sort of got used to it.

I'm proud of how well I deal with them; it takes a large amount of self control to not react and stay calm when I don't trust what my own eyes are seeing. I can find it very draining though, especially when I'm a bit tired. I think I hide it quite well, bit I'm often very tense. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to ways of losing control; because I never let go of it if I'm left to my own devices.

I would feel better with some sort of diagnosis, but I've come to accept it as part of who I am. With very few exceptions, everyone I've told has been very accepting, and I've been incredibly lucky in that no one has suddenly started treating me like a less capable person.

I hope I can keep hold of my control.