Friday, June 28, 2013

I can't decide whether I'm looking too thin or too big. I change my mind from different angles. I'm normally very body confident, but for the past few days I just haven't felt right.

It's pay day, and as always, I made a ridiculous impulse buy. This month it was a cross stitch kit of a "magnificent wizard." It's fighting a dragon. I love wizards AND dragons, so this is totally going to go on the wall.

My fish has killed the two smaller fish companions I gave it last week. I'm afraid of buying anymore, because I feel like I'm just sending them to the slaughter, but I really want more than one fish. I'm afraid if I buy fish any bigger they'll just bully the original fish. Fish are hard work.

I found my old prayer diary from when I was a teenager, and half of the entries are trying to pray the gay away. I'm really ashamed of that. I wonder if I would have become a better bi if I hadn't spent so much time being ashamed of it and trying to deny it.

I started roughly planning what I'm eating for the next few days. I only plan it in my head, because I think writing it down would cross the line into weird, and I'll end up changing it depending on what I weigh in the morning anyway.

Sleep, sleep.

Friday, June 21, 2013

According to my friends and family:

- "All your friends are married, or gay. How are you going to meet anyone?"
- "People are obviously just intimidated by how, uh, hot you are?"
- "No man will ever be able to share you with your dominant."
- "You talk about babies WAY too much. Like, all the time."
- "The only time you go out is to gay bars!"

According to me:

- The other day I polished my tortoises shells with olive oil, while singing songs about how they're sexy ladies.
- I find almost every person I meet insufferably boring, which is very hypocritical because I've hoovered 4 times in the last week alone, and that is hardly the mark of an interesting and sane individual.
- I talk about my ovaries a lot.

Since I was 13, I've been treated for several different mental health issues. I want to highlight exactly quite how fucked up I am, so let's list them, in chronological order.

  1. Suicidal tendencies and self mutilation
  2. Anorexic tendencies
  3. Depression
  4. Generalised anxiety disorder and panic attacks
  5. Social anxiety disorder
  6. Psychotic episodes
I'm pretty broken. And those are just the things that were medically diagnosed. I have bloody suitcases of emotional baggage.

I think I come across as fairly composed. I don't shout at people in the street, and it's very rare I have "episodes" in front of people.  I hold down a full time job, and I haven't had a day off sick in over 3 years. I'm not currently on any medication. (Though I wouldn't have a problem if I was; sometimes you just need something to take the edge off, you know? I don't have an issue with people taking meds for their mental health. They help, and sometimes they're the only thing stopping you from jumping off the nearest motorway bridge. Just wanted to clear that up.) I live independently in a mostly tidy and clean apartment. I don't have any particularly violent or worrying hobbies. From the outside I guess, I seem pretty damn normal.

Despite that, I still struggle with every single bloody one of the issues I listed above. When I start to feel down, I don't crave a tub of Ben & Jerry's, I crave the feeling of a knife running across my thigh. I weigh myself compulsively, eat a very strict diet, and I'm painfully and constantly aware of every "bad" food I eat. I regularly get depressive episodes, and they make me ache to my bones. Stupid little irrational things still make me anxious, and when I can't get away from those things I feel like my lungs are trying to explode out of my chest. However lonely I get - and oh god, it gets bad - tiny social situations scare the shit out of me. Sometimes I have to force myself to walk past the place where I get my eyebrows done half a dozen time before I'm brave enough to walk in, and I feel like I'm an inconvenience the whole time. I still hallucinate, and I struggle understanding what's real and what's not.

I can't "snap out" of those emotions. They're real. Whatever ignorant comments people come out with, there's no magical way of fixing my mental health. Remembering that other people are having a harder time than me doesn't make me feel grateful and full of the joys of spring, it just makes me feel useless and broken for not being able to be happy. Staying busy just makes everything worse when I do eventually stop. "Getting some fresh air" just makes me feel sad outside instead of inside.

What does help, is accepting them. You know that feeling (I guess it might be the same with physical health issues too) when you realise that there's actually something real wrong with you, and you're not just being an awkward twat? I remember reading the list of symptoms to social anxiety disorder and crying with relief, because beforehand I just thought I was broken. The feelings are real, and they're not your fault. Don't try and deny them; the more aware you are of them, the more you can do to keep yourself safe.

I want to keep my body physically healthy, I don't want to harm myself and I definitely don't want to kill myself. My rational mind knows these three things are important.

So what I do, is damage control. I've found getting myself into a routine has helped an awful lot. When I wake up in the morning, I always have a shower, and I always eat. They sound bloody obvious things, but anyone who has struggled with deep depression will tell you how hard those little things can be in reality. I do things at a certain time every day. It took a while to get used to it, but it's become second nature to me now. Now, when I'm in that horrible depressed state where I wake up and just want to stay in bed because I can't handle making any decisions for a few hours, I'll get up, get clean and eat. Because that's what I always do. And even if I still feel shit after that, at least I'm fed and clean. Which is a huge improvement, compared to my, "If I put perfume on today, no one will notice that I haven't showered in a week!" attitude of a few years ago.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, really. Recognising and accepting what I'm feeling helps. And for me, rather than trying to avoid having episodes - because let's be honest, you can minimise them somewhat, but you can't run from them forever - concentrating on managing them has been far more beneficial.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

At work today, I wore a tight pencil skirt and a short sleeved shirt tucked in. I thought I looked nice until my colleague pointed out the zip at the back had burst, revealing my arse to all of Altrincham. Classy!