Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Stupid things I used to get anxious over, but I have now mastered:

- Going into pet store
- Talking to people at make up counters
- Buying fish from the fish counter at the supermarket
- Getting my car washed by those guys who walk around car parks with buckets
- Going to the hairdresser
- Going to the supermarket
- Being around drunk people in a bar
- Being at church. I do appreciate the irony of me suddenly stopping having panic attacks at church now I'm not religious in the slightest.
- Working in other stores. Just about.
- Driving a different route than normal.

Stupid things I still get anxious over and avoid like they will actually kill me:

- Asking any shop assistant for help. I choose what make up to buy based on which assistant bothers to approach me. MAC are really friendly and are therefore my favourites.
- Queuing to get my eyebrows threaded. I will actually walk around for an hour at a time rather than queue. I'd feel in the way if I queued.
- Any sort of group activity where I won't know anyone, like exercise classes at the gym. I wouldn't know where to stand or who to talk to or what to do.
- Going to the market. The people at the stalls are really friendly and always want to engage you in conversation and I think they'd realise I don't go to markets very often.
- Going to any bar or club that isn't in the gay village.
- Touching pregnant people.

Sunday, August 04, 2013

I'm not afraid of people not being attracted to me.

I'm only a little afraid that people won't want to spend time with me.

I'm afraid that anyone that I like won't want to spend time with me.

I'm terrified that I'll never meet anyone I love enough to want to spend every day with, be myself with, be monogamous to... and who feels the same way about me.

I genuinely doubt there is enough to me for that. I am a beauty, I am a delight, I am fierce. But I am never anyone's home.