Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I hate living in this glass coffin.

I hate being the girl that people like to look at, but not touch.
My appeal ends in desire.
I'm more valuable in my glass box; a treasure, mint condition
I'm worth less after I've been fucked.

Monday, February 09, 2015

I see a lot of lists on K&P about things people wish they knew when they first entered the BDSM scene, or about how to tell if the dom you're chatting to is The Real Deal or just a huge creeper. Some of them have great advice and are written with wisdom and humility, others are madly patronising and written by people who just want you to be sucking their own dicks instead of anyone else's. I don't want to write one of those lists. I don't even have a dick.

Anyway, I digress.

All relationships and experiences carry risk. Maybe that older man you're talking to who won't give you his home number is just super private, but we all know that it's more likely he's married to someone who has no idea you exist. Maybe the hot girl you're only seen blurry holiday photos of really doesn't have a smart phone or a webcam, but it's unlikely. Red flags are warnings; there's an exception to every rule, but we use them to know when to be more wary.

Saying that, there's one thing that's totally non-negotiable to me now; people who cut you off from your friends. I've had the pleasure of having several partners who think that's an acceptable thing to do. They've given me a lot of bullshit excuses for it over the years, and to my shame, I've actually believed some of them.

  • Excuse One - "I can't trust you with them." 
If a partner doesn't trust me enough to let me spend time with people other than them, they shouldn't be with me. If I genuinely can't spend time away from them without cheating on them constantly, I shouldn't be with them. End of.

  • Excuse Two - "I'm doing it to protect you, because I love you." 
I appreciate it's a big, scary world out there. The night is dark and full of terrors and all that. I feel protective of the people I love too. That's normal.

However, using that as an excuse to cover up your own insecurities is not ok. If you're so insecure that you feel your partner will run off with the next person who chats to them, that's really sad, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey to feeling better in your own skin. I've had times where I've felt like that too, and it's horrible. You feel like as soon as your partner realises there's a world of shinier, happier people out there, they'll walk. It's shit.

However, when I feel like that, I don't enforce ridiculous rules on my partner just to hide from my own issues a little longer. A lot of people do, it seems. It's so manipulative; "I do it because I love you! Don't you see? I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to be hurt."

That's not love.

  • Excuse Three - "It's all in your head. I don't do that." 
I had a boyfriend once who picked fights whenever I saw my friends. He'd freak out whenever I didn't text him back straight away, he'd insult my friends and say I shouldn't hang out with them anyway, and his mood would turn dark and black. I very quickly started avoiding anything that made his mood darken like that, because I hated it so much. It kept the peace, for a little while.

Eventually, I felt lonely and isolated, and challenged him. I told him that I was getting anxious about spending time with anyone other than him, because I was so scared of him fighting with me. And he totally denied it. I bought up specific occasions, and he had a specific excuse for every single time. He told me I was paranoid, that it was just a symptom of my mental health issues. But it was ok, because he loved me, and he'd look after me. And I believed him.

He didn't want to face the ugly truth of his own bad behavior, so he blamed it on me. It's so obvious now looking back, but at the time I genuinely felt really muddled. I never, ever want to be that blind again.

  • Excuse Four - "This is how all D/s relationships work." 
I've been told a lot of outright lies about D/s. One of which was that, as a sub, it was disrespectful of me to talk to other dominant men. They were dangerous and I shouldn't go near them, or I might accidentally consent to a brutal butt fucking. I'm *very* thankful to report that this is not the case.

I'm also thankful to report that there isn't "one true way" of doing D/s. And although there are common themes, enforced social isolation isn't one of them.

  • Excuse Five - "If you really loved me/If you were a true sub, you wouldn't need anyone else."
No. Just no. There is nothing at all healthy about that. If *they* really loved *you*, they wouldn't manipulate you. And this may be a sweeping generalisation here, but I suspect anyone who uses the phrase "true sub" really means "someone with low enough self esteem that they'll put up with me being a total dick weasel, and also touch Mr Pickle whenever I want."

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that being manipulated into social isolation really sucks. And one of the shittest things about it is that it makes it hard to get help and support when you do want to escape from that situation or relationship. No one is around anymore to tell you that things aren't alright, that you're not going insane, that it isn't acceptable. It's a vicious, ugly, damaging situation, and it's difficult to escape from.

I wasted years of my life believing these lies. I don't want to waste a single moment more on them.

(Also posted on my Fetlife blog)