It's been 8 days since I last binged and I feel terrified. Not so much that I'll binge right here right now; I'm not feeling the urge badly today, but I'm scared that I'll never be the weight I was again. I know it took a year to gain this weight (2 stone!!) and it'll take a while to lose it, but I'm terrified. What if I never do? I already have had to resort to wearing some of my old fat girl clothes  because nothing else fits. I wore a size large dress yesterday.

I think I'm particularly scared today because I weighed myself for the first time in 2 months today and I saw quite how bad the damage was. I know a lot of people say to stay away from the scales, but they've always been a good motivator for me; I obsess over them, but I've always steadily gained weight whenever I've gone through a phase of not weighing. I'd rather be obsessed with them than gain more weight.

People have recommended focusing on doing things rather than not doing things, which makes sense. I've also had a big think about my eating habits back when I was a lot healthier, and what's different now and what isn't. I used to spend a lot more time cooking than I do now, and I used to use a lot more vegetables. I'm busier now, and my boyfriend hates vegetables with the same vigour as the average toddler, so those habits have changed, so I'm going to try and get back into them. I think I enjoy cooking as much as I do eating, so spending more time making what I'll eventually eat will hopefully healthily fulfil some of the needs that make me want to binge. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

In the last few months, I've started binge eating regularly. I'm happy joking about it with my friends; it's put a lot of weight on me, very quickly, so it's not exactly something I can hide, but I feel ridiculously ashamed talking about it more seriously. When I was on the cusp of anorexia I found it very easy to talk about, but I find this much more difficult. I think part of it is being unsure whether this is a mental health issue or me just being a greedy cow.

Beforehand it was something I just did every now and again. I think a lot of people can relate to that. I think I've always had a bit of an issue with emotional eating and knowing when I'm full, but it's gotten worse. I've been doing it so regularly I've gone from almost underweight to overweight in a year. (Well, I presume I'm overweight now; I haven't weighed myself in over a month. Judging by what I was last time I weighed and how different I look now, I think it's a fair assumption.) Dr Google informs me that binge eating is more common in people who've previously eaten restrictive diets or undereaten, I guess I fit that pretty well.

Usually an episode of binging is triggered by eating something unhealthy (Samples in stores, or someone insisting I eat a sweet) or by stress. I become absolutely consumed; as soon as I know I'm going to binge, I can't think about anything else. All I can think about is when I can be on my own, so I can buy food without people seeing. I've sat for hours with my boyfriend, imagining what I can buy from the petrol station when I drop him off. I've left things early so I can go to Asda on the way home. If I can, I'll spend ages choosing what I'm going to buy and eat; I'll walk around the supermarket twice, I'll examine every single flavour of cookies I can. I've got no concept or portion size; I just want everything. I hate the idea of going without, or realising that I want more, so I over-buy. Then I overeat.

I'm very rarely genuinely hungry because I rarely skip meals anyway, so I get full very quick. But I'll carry on eating, so I feel uncomfortably full. Then I carry on eating, and it gets painful. Then I usually fall asleep. Sometimes I'll just do it the once, but normally my episodes last at least a day, usually more.

The ridiculous thing is, that towards the end of an episode when I'm stuffed, I usually get this ridiculous sense of calm and determination that this is the last time, and I'll never do it again. It doesn't really last.