Thursday, August 18, 2016

Hello, 2012 me.

You'll be glad to know that future-you is still a patronising bellend, albeit a very well intentioned one. You're about to fall head first into the world of BDSM, and with that in mind, here's some advise.

Stop mucking about on dating websites and get your ass on Fetlife. You'll meet people who aren't just trying to get in your knickers. You're welcome.


The amount of paperwork your dominant asks you to do is not even a little bit normal. Question that. 

The guy who says he doesn't want a romantic relationship won't change his mind if you just hang around long enough. Get out. 

You don't need to reply back to every message. 

The bloke who's lying to his partner about his relationship with you is (not suprisingly) lying to you as well.

The guy who wants you to be faithful to him but won't give you his mobile number is definitely married.

If a man insists on showing you a PowerPoint presentation of his sexual preferences before he'll fuck you, laugh in his face. That does not make you a bad sub.

Don't play with anyone just because you feel sorry for them. No one enjoys pity blowjobs. 

It's okay to say no. Don't do anything just to be polite. If you don't want someone to know your address, or come to your house, say so. If they argue, tell them to fuck off. Don't be afraid of causing a scene.

Read more. Learn about other ways of doing kink. Try them.

Say yes to things that excite you. There's nothing wrong with being a slut. Stop feeling ashamed that you want to fuck people. Fuck all the people. Own your sexuality. Stop being ashamed.

Tell anyone who views your sexuality as a threesome conveyor belt to fuck right off.

Don't buy butt plugs with small bases. Just trust me on this one. 

Your body is never going to look better than it does right now. Take more naked pictures. Post them everywhere.

Are you still doing all that bloody paperwork? Cut that shit out, Vickie. Get out the house.

You are bad at drinking. Stop trying to be good at drinking. There will be regrets.

You deserve a relationship. You deserve companionship. You deserve to be loved. Stop settling for what you think you deserve.

It is much more graceful to just ask for what you want and risk being told no rather than waiting til you have a hysterical, snotty breakdown.

Message people you want to be friends with. Message people just to tell them they made you smile.

Go to that munch. Don't be nervous. It's not actually an orgy planning meeting. You won't make a social faux pas and accidentally agree to be anyone's live in slave. 

Say yes when people want to hang out. Be a good friend. Make the first move. 

Don't be so nervous of play events.

No one cares if you don't book your minge waxing appointment the day before a play event. No one will give a shit if your stomach isn't flat. No one will think you're boring if you wear the same outfit a dozen times. Be proud of who you are.

Fall in love. 

Watch out for wanky men. 

Don't be afraid to say yes.

Don't store your dildos next to each other unless you want them to melt into one mega dildo. 

Love,

2016 Vickie

PS - Remember the thing about the butt plug. Please.